On rebalancing

A long hiatus in posting thanks to a new job and my own poor health.

During this time my husband has changed. Much of his anger and hostility is gone. He is more acquiescent but also more needy and often sad.

I always told him I didn’t mind if he didn’t remember things or couldn’t complete tasks, it was his aggression that upset me. Now I have to acknowledge that life is much easier, although I know what it costs him.

My husband can no longer be left on his own for long. This is a problem as I can’t afford much care outside my working hours and I need far more rest than he does. This morning he was already downstairs when I woke up. I found him confused, and upset at being unable to finish making me a mug of tea. After a while he started crying and apologising.

It is much easier for me to comfort and reassure a sad person than cope with a hostile and aggressive one. And I feel bad because, while being angry is exhausting, it is also empowering and I know it shows he is in decline.

There are so many practicalities to handle as a dementia carer that there isn’t always space to reflect. I also can’t always face it. Considering how much of my husband I have lost causes emotions I am not strong enough to manage. So sometimes I can only think day by day. In purely practical terms, sad is easier to manage than angry. But I must acknowledge that it hurts him and that is a significant cost.